Talking to Men as Men

“A rebuke goes deeper into a man of understanding than a hundred blows into a fool.” Proverbs 17:10

Early in my marriage, during the heat of an argument, my wife looked at me and said, “You’re talking to me like I’m one of your seminary buddies.” She was right. I had confused our covenant love for combat training. Among men, debate was a sport, a sharpening. But in marriage, that swordplay wounded more than it refined.

Men need to learn how to speak to their wives as wives tenderly, patiently, with understanding. But the inverse is also true: we must learn how to speak to men as men. And increasingly in the church, we’re forgetting how.

Are We Losing Our Roar?

The writer of Ecclesiastes reminds us that there is “a time for every matter under heaven” including a time to confront, to oppose, to wound for the sake of healing (Ecclesiastes 3:1–8). And yet, many Christian men seem unable or unwilling to engage in masculine speech speech that’s direct, urgent, even forceful when needed.

Our cultural moment scoffs at manly correction. Terms like “toxic masculinity” or “aggressive tone” are thrown around even in Christian spaces. But if the church is to remain strong, we must rediscover the ability to speak to men like men.

We need Nathans who will say, “You are the man!”
Pauls who will oppose even a Peter to his face.
Judahs who will contend for the faith.
We need brothers with spines and scars, forged in truth and love.

Jesus Spoke Like a Man

Jesus is the model of perfect manhood tender with the weak, fierce with the proud. When Peter stood in the way of the cross, Jesus didn’t offer a soft word. He looked at His disciples knowing they, too, needed the lesson and said, “Get behind me, Satan!” (Mark 8:33).

Jesus wasn’t cruel. He wasn’t sarcastic. But He was clear. He rebuked because He loved. He confronted for the sake of holiness. And Peter, to his eternal credit, stayed and was strengthened for it.

No one stormed off. No one canceled the conversation. No one demanded safe spaces. Truth was spoken. Correction was given. Men became more like Christ.

If our Savior wasn’t afraid to offend His brothers for their good, neither should we be.

Fraternity Requires Fortitude

We don’t need to be needlessly abrasive. But we must learn how to spar in love. Two suggestions:

1. Establish Terms in Peacetime

Boldness without trust is just bullying. So start by setting clear expectations within your band of brothers.

Ask each other:

• “Are you willing to receive correction even when it’s hard to hear?”

• “Are you willing to give it even when it might cost you?”

Commit together: We care more about Christ’s glory than our own egos. We’re here to sharpen each other, not coddle each other.

2. Rehearse the Goodness of Correction

Confrontation stings that’s why it’s so rare. But it’s also a gift. A brother who lovingly rebukes is not your enemy. He’s your ally in the war against sin and self.

Ask yourself:

• Am I angry because I’ve been wronged or because I’ve been revealed?

• Am I pushing back because the correction was unloving or because it was true?

• Am I more interested in being respected than being sanctified?

When the wound comes from a faithful friend, let it cut (Proverbs 27:6). Let it humble. Let it heal.

The Church Needs Men Who Speak Boldly

Jude wanted to write about our common salvation. He longed to rejoice. But he found it necessary to contend (Jude 3). So must we.

We are husbands, fathers, elders, deacons, disciplers. We cannot afford to whisper when the truth demands a roar. We cannot nod politely while wolves sneak in among the sheep. The stakes are too high.

If men cannot speak freely about doctrine, sin, repentance, and holiness with other men who will?

Let us build brotherhoods where the truth is prized more than politeness, where rebuke is not resented but received, where the goal is not just camaraderie but conformity to Christ.

Let us speak to men like men with love, with courage, and with open Bibles. Share this article or subscribe to our newsletter for updates.