Christians Need Better Conflict Skills

Christians love to talk about community. Potlucks, prayer circles, small groups we know how to gather. But knowing how to stay together when things get messy? That’s another story.

Sit in a church long enough, and you'll eventually notice it the simmering tensions under polite smiles, the “bless their heart” prayer requests that mask gossip, the awkward silences when politics or personal opinions come up. For a people who claim to follow the Prince of Peace, we can be surprisingly poor at peacemaking.

That’s not just a relational problem it’s a spiritual one. The Gospel, after all, is the ultimate story of reconciliation. It’s about God mending the most broken relationship possible ours with Him. So when Christians avoid, mishandle, or spiritualize conflict away, we miss a central expression of our faith.

Conflict Isn’t a Sin Avoiding Growth Might Be

Too many believers have been taught that confrontation equals conflict, and conflict equals sin. Others swing the opposite direction, wielding “truth in love” like a verbal sledgehammer. But the truth is, conflict itself is not inherently wrong. Jesus experienced it. Paul certainly did. What matters is how we walk through it.

In Matthew 18, Jesus gave a clear process for dealing with sin and offense: Go directly to the person first. If that doesn’t work, bring a few trusted witnesses. Still stuck? Then involve church leadership. It’s simple, respectful, and focused on restoration not punishment, not reputation management.

The problem? Most of us would rather do anything but have that first conversation. We’ll talk to our group chat, our spouse, our pastor anyone but the person involved. But gossip isn’t biblical conflict resolution. Neither is ghosting.

Wisdom and Forgiveness: Our Lost Disciplines

Ken Sande, founder of Peacemaker Ministries, puts it this way: “Relational wisdom is proactive. Peacemaking is reactive.” Most conflict, he explains, erupts when people abandon relational wisdom the emotional and spiritual maturity to deal with tension before it explodes.

And when it does explode? That’s where tools like the REACH model by Christian psychologist Dr. Everett Worthington can help. His five-step process leads people through real, deep forgiveness not the cheap kind that pretends nothing happened. It includes:

• Recall the hurt honestly

• Empathize with the offender

• Altruistically offer forgiveness

• Commit to the decision

• Hold on to that forgiveness

It’s not quick. It’s not easy. But it’s necessary. True forgiveness is about releasing the right to revenge not the right to have boundaries or accountability. And it’s foundational for any real community to thrive.

Listening Is What Love Sounds Like

David Augsburger once wrote, “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” That quote should be etched in every church foyer.

Because more than “winning,” more than being right, most people just want to be heard. And when they are? Healing often begins.

It’s why James urges us, “Let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19). Listening is a spiritual discipline. It's where compassion grows. It's where peace is born.

The Work That Maturity Requires

Handling conflict well doesn’t come naturally. It requires spiritual maturity the kind that isn’t flashy but is deeply Christlike. It takes humility to admit you're wrong. It takes courage to confront someone kindly. It takes grace to forgive someone who won’t apologize.

But this is what makes our faith real. Not our posts. Not our platitudes. But our practice.

When the early Church struggled with tension between Jews and Gentiles, between Paul and Peter, between theology and practice they didn’t split. They gathered. They dialogued. They worked it out. Because the Gospel demanded more than just individual salvation. It demanded community reconciliation.

A Different Kind of People

So the next time someone disappoints you, don’t suppress it. Don’t explode. Don’t post about it. Go to them. Listen. Stay kind. Try to repair.

Because conflict is inevitable. What makes us different is what we do with it. Christians aren’t called to avoid conflict we’re called to redeem it.

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