Does Forgiving Someone Mean You Must Trust Them Again?

Steve Cornell, writing for The Gospel Coalition, opens with a question he hears often. Someone keeps saying sorry, at least the tenth time now. He changes for a little while, then returns to the same behavior. The hurt person feels bound by Christian duty to forgive, and also feels taken advantage of. What now?

Cornell's answer rests on one distinction. God always requires forgiveness, but forgiveness does not always lead to reconciliation. You can forgive in your relationship with God, with no contact with the person who hurt you. Reconciliation restores a broken relationship, and where trust is deeply broken that is a process, sometimes a long one. Jesus taught that forgiven people must forgive (Matthew 18:21-35). The evidence of real forgiveness, Cornell says, is freedom from a vengeful response (Romans 12:17-21), and not always a restored relationship.

Christianity Today makes the same point. Forgiveness, it says, is letting go of a demand for payment of a debt that is owed. Forgiveness and reconciliation are "two connected but different movements of the heart." The magazine is plain about safety: some who have caused deep pain, such as physical, emotional or sexual abuse, cannot be trusted, at least not until there is evidence of real sorrow and repentance. To expect a forgiving person to forget the hurt and return to the relationship is unrealistic, and dangerous.

So what rebuilds trust? Cornell says the first step is confirming genuine repentance (Luke 17:3). Only God reads hearts, so we evaluate actions (Matthew 7:16). Tears must not substitute for clear changes in attitude and behavior. "Words alone are often not enough to restore trust," he writes. He quotes John R. W. Stott: "Forgiveness which by-passes the need for repentance issues not from love but from sentimentality."

John Beeson, a pastor in Tucson, Arizona, offers a picture at The Gospel Coalition. Forgiveness is the footing on each bank of a river. Reconciliation is the bridge. Forgiveness can happen without repentance (Mark 11:25), but the bridge needs a changed pattern of living from the wrongdoer and rebuilt trust from the one who was hurt. When wounds persist, reconciliation may need to be halted. A protective boundary may be needed, or a tie cut. Forgiveness does not remove the legitimacy, or in some cases the necessity, of pursuing legal justice.

Two cautions keep this in balance. Jesus spoke of reconciliation with urgency (Matthew 5:23-24), so Cornell asks you to state your hesitancy objectively, such as repeated confessions followed by the same offenses. And both Beeson and Christianity Today call forgiveness a decision and a process. You may have to forgive the same wound again as a new layer of its cost appears. That is normal. Be patient with yourself, and lean hard on Jesus for the forgiveness you need to give.

Cornell adds a word about what is at stake. Jesus warned that God will not forgive our sins if we do not forgive those who sin against us (Matthew 6:14-15, Mark 11:25). This is not a way to earn God's forgiveness, Cornell says. It is what God expects of people he has already forgiven. He also asks the hurt person to pray for the one who caused the hurt, as Jesus taught his disciples (Luke 6:28), and to pray for strength to follow through (Hebrews 4:16). Our attitude toward a person often changes when we pray for him, Cornell writes. He adds that change takes time and hard work, because behavior patterns often run in deep channels.

Beeson notes that not every offense calls for this hard road. The Bible speaks of the glory of overlooking an offense and of love covering many sins (Proverbs 19:11, Proverbs 17:9, 1 Peter 4:8). For the deep wounds, he says that if your heart is overwhelmed, it may be because you are trying to reconcile when God is first asking you to forgive. Christianity Today traces forgiveness to the same root. It begins, the magazine says, when we grasp the unpayable debt God has forgiven us, so that we and the person who hurt us stand before God as equals, both offered grace. Its writer suggests asking the Holy Spirit for help, and asking "Have I forgiven them today?" instead of "Have I forgiven this person?"

Scripture: Matthew 18:21-35, Romans 12:17-21, Matthew 5:23-24, Luke 17:3, Matthew 7:16, Mark 11:25