How to Begin Healing from Childhood Abuse by a Parent

One of the hardest things a believer may ever face is the call to forgive someone who inflicted pain in their formative years especially when that someone is a parent. What do you do when the ones who were meant to protect and love you were the very ones who caused your deepest wounds?

For many adult Christians, the command to forgive is complicated by trauma. A man recently asked, after nearly two decades of faith, why he still feels so much resentment toward his abusive parents. “I’m 47,” he shared, “and sometimes I still feel rage. I want to forgive, truly and permanently, but the memories come back. How can I find peace and live out the forgiveness God commands?”

This question is not rare but it is sacred. Forgiveness, when it comes to childhood abuse, isn’t about forgetting or minimizing the pain. It’s about meeting that pain in the presence of a Savior who knows exactly what betrayal feels like.

The Seriousness of Forgiveness

First, let’s acknowledge how weighty this topic truly is. Jesus taught that forgiveness is not optional. In the Lord’s Prayer, we ask: “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Matthew 6:12). The link between receiving and giving forgiveness is profound.

Jesus then adds “If you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:15).

This doesn’t mean we earn God’s forgiveness through our actions, but that an unforgiving heart contradicts the very nature of grace we claim to have received. If we have truly encountered Christ’s mercy, our hearts are compelled over time and often through tears to extend that mercy to others.

So how do we begin?

1. Remember What You’ve Been Forgiven

Paul writes in Colossians 3:13, “As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

The path to forgiving others starts with understanding the gravity of our own sin and the wonder of our own forgiveness. Jesus didn’t forgive us from a safe distance. He suffered, bled, and died for us the very rebels who deserved none of it.

Picture yourself as a traitor to a good and just King. You plotted against Him, yet He died saving you. This isn’t just a story it’s the reality of the cross. When you realize how deep your own need was, and how freely God pardoned you, it changes the way you see others even those who hurt you deeply.

This doesn’t negate your pain. But it shifts the ground beneath your resentment. Instead of standing on anger, you now stand on mercy.

2. Trust the One Who Judges Justly

One of the most powerful scriptures for the wounded is found in 1 Peter 2:23. Speaking of Jesus, it says:

“When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.”

Jesus endured unspeakable injustice lies, beatings, mockery, and murder. Yet He did not retaliate. Why? Because He trusted the righteous judgment of His Father.

You do not have to carry the burden of revenge. You are not the judge. God is. And He will do what is right. “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord” (Romans 12:19).

Every sin committed against you will be accounted for either at the cross, where Christ bore the full weight of justice, or in eternal separation from God. You can forgive not because the debt is small, but because Jesus has either paid it or will deal with it justly.

Letting go of vengeance is not weakness. It’s a declaration that God’s justice is enough.

3. Bitterness Only Hurts You

Bitterness often masquerades as strength a protective wall around a wounded heart. But it doesn’t protect. It poisons.

Resentment doesn’t punish your abuser. It punishes you. It chokes out joy, stifles peace, and infects your relationships. Holding on to hate may feel justified, but it keeps your soul shackled to the very pain you long to escape.

Jesus used this logic when teaching about worry another consuming emotion. He asked, “Which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” (Matthew 6:27). The same question can be asked of bitterness: What good has it done you?

Forgiveness is not saying the abuse was okay. It’s saying you won’t let it define your life anymore.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. It’s remembering with grace.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean immediate reconciliation. In cases of serious harm, reconciliation may never be safe or possible. But forgiveness is still necessary for your sake, and for your walk with God.

The Honor Dilemma

Many struggle with the command to honor their parents when those very parents were the source of harm. Exodus 20:12 says, “Honor your father and your mother.” But how?

Honoring doesn’t mean pretending the abuse didn’t happen. It doesn’t mean submitting to toxic behavior. It means, perhaps, choosing not to publicly shame them, praying for their repentance, or speaking truthfully about the past while leaving vengeance to God.

In some cases, honoring may look like establishing boundaries with clarity and love and trusting that even those boundaries can be acts of obedience and faith.

Healing Is a Journey, Not a Switch

If you struggle to forgive, take heart: forgiveness is a process. It may begin with a decision, but it often takes time for the emotions to catch up.

When painful memories rise again and they will you don’t have to start over. Instead, reaffirm your choice to forgive. Ask God for fresh grace. Choose to release the debt again, knowing that this repeated act is shaping your heart in the likeness of Christ.

Studies show that long-term unforgiveness contributes to anxiety, depression, and physical health problems. But those who pursue forgiveness even slowly experience greater emotional freedom, relational health, and spiritual depth.

You Are Not Alone

Jesus knows what it means to be betrayed, mocked, abused, and misunderstood. He is not distant from your pain. He meets you in it. He walks with you through the process. He strengthens what is weak. He heals what was broken.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).

You don’t have to carry this alone.

Three Steps Forward

1. Spend time meditating on the cross. Let the weight of your own forgiveness soften your heart toward others.

2. Release justice into God’s hands. Trust Him to deal with every wrong better than you ever could.

3. Choose forgiveness daily. When the pain returns, reaffirm your trust in God’s healing and justice.

Forgiveness isn’t the end of your healing it’s the beginning. And in Christ, the beginning of healing is also the beginning of peace.

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