Forgiveness Within the Family Is Not Optional

Family has a way of getting under our skin like nothing else. The very people we love most can also be the ones who hurt us the deepest and often, it’s not a single wound but a long history of words and actions that scar over time. So what do you do when a family won’t forgive? When bitterness runs so deep that even the name of Jesus is used to justify not letting go?

That’s the question raised by a young man in Brazil, heartbroken over his family’s years-long struggle with forgiveness. And it’s a question many believers silently wrestle with. If Jesus rebuked and challenged his enemies sometimes even harshly why are we called to forgive ours?

The answer is simple, and yet so demanding: because we are not Jesus. We are not the sinless Savior who carried the weight of the world’s judgment. We are those who need forgiveness as much as we’re called to give it.

What Forgiveness Is and Isn't

Before diving deeper, let’s clarify what forgiveness is not because so many misunderstandings start right here:

• Forgiveness does not deny real wrong. You’re not pretending something painful didn’t happen. Forgiveness acknowledges the hurt and the sin and then chooses to let God carry it.

• Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Romans 12:18 says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Sometimes peace doesn’t depend on you. Sometimes it’s not possible.

• Forgiveness does not mean restoring trust. Trust must be rebuilt with evidence of change. Forgiveness can be immediate; trust may take time — or may not be restored at all.

• Forgiveness doesn’t require the other person to accept it. A forgiving spirit can exist even when the offender denies wrongdoing. That spirit is counted by God as true forgiveness.

So what is forgiveness?

It’s choosing the good of the one who wronged you even if they never ask for it. It’s laying down the weapon of bitterness. It’s refusing to let someone else's sin give birth to your own. Forgiveness is not a feeling, but a Spirit-powered decision to love, to pray, and to bless.

Why Forgiveness Is a Matter of Eternity

This isn't a secondary issue. It’s a life-and-death, heaven-and-hell issue. Why?

1. We were worse enemies of God than anyone has been to us

Ephesians 4:32 reminds us, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” God didn’t overlook your sin. He didn’t wait for you to get better. He forgave when it cost Him everything. Our offenses against God are infinitely worse than any family dispute yet we were forgiven.

Refusing to forgive is to say, “God was a fool to forgive me.” It is, essentially, to reject His example, mock His mercy, and spit on the cross.

2. Jesus forgave his enemies even while dying

Yes, Jesus rebuked the Pharisees. He spoke harsh truth. But even as Roman soldiers drove nails into His hands, He prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). His rebukes were aimed at the hard-hearted not out of hate, but as a call to repentance. And while rebuking, He moved toward the cross to die for them. That’s the difference.

3. Forgiven people forgive

Matthew 6:15 is haunting: “If you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Jesus told a parable to make the point unmistakably clear a man forgiven of a debt worth millions strangles someone over ten dollars. When we withhold forgiveness, we expose that we never understood our own.

4. Forgiveness is tied to a heavenly reward

In Matthew 5:12, Jesus reminds us, “Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven.” Holding onto pain feels powerful in the moment but real power is in letting it go. Your reward isn’t in vengeance. It’s in heaven.

5. God promises to handle justice

Forgiveness is not a denial of justice. It is a surrender of justice into the hands of the only one wise enough to handle it. Romans 12:19 says, “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God.” God will repay and He will do it better than we ever could.

For unbelievers who never repent, justice will be served. For believers who sin against us, that sin was nailed to Jesus’ cross. Think about that: the hurt you feel, the betrayal you endured Jesus bore the punishment for that. What does it say about our view of His suffering if we insist on punishing again?

When Family Won’t Forgive

Sometimes the most painful rejection comes from those who share your last name. When families withhold forgiveness, it can feel like an emotional prison. But the key is this: even if they won’t forgive, you must. Not for them for Christ.

You can’t control how others respond. You can’t force someone to repent, or to apologize, or to even admit they were wrong. But you can reflect the heart of Jesus by releasing them into God’s hands.

Forgiveness doesn’t always lead to hugs and reunions. Sometimes it means walking forward with scars. But every scar surrendered to Jesus becomes a story of grace.

Becoming the Example

If your family is stuck in a cycle of unforgiveness, let your life be the breach in that wall. Be the one who breaks the cycle. Not out of superiority, but out of surrender. Your example may not change everyone, but it will not be wasted in the eyes of God.

Pray for them. Forgive them. And keep forgiving not seven times, but seventy-seven times (Matthew 18:22). Because Christ forgave you more.

You don’t need to carry what Christ has already paid for.

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