What Makes a Mom

If you’ve ever walked into a room full of other moms and felt a pang of inadequacy or worse, superiority you’re not alone. Beneath the surface of coffee dates, school drop-offs, and church nursery chats, an unspoken tension often lingers. How do I measure up?

Motherhood, for all its beauty, can quickly turn into a proving ground. And the temptation to measure ourselves and others based on parenting choices, appearances, or achievements can feel almost irresistible. But as Scripture gently and powerfully reminds us, motherhood was never meant to be a contest. It’s a calling. And it’s one defined not by comparison, but by grace.

Comparison: The Broken Yardstick

Social media has handed us a highlight reel of perfection to compare ourselves against. The picture-perfect playroom, the lunchbox filled with organic goodness, the ever-smiling kids it’s easy to assume that other women have figured out the secret formula for being the “perfect” mom. But that assumption rests on a lie.

We are not saved by our mothering. We are saved by grace.

Whether you homeschool or public school, work from home or from an office, breastfeed or bottle-feed, none of those decisions determine your worth in Christ. Yet, how easily do we tether our identity to them? And how quickly can we feel judged or begin to judge?

This isn’t a new issue. Even within the early church, women like Euodia and Syntyche (Philippians 4:2) found themselves in conflict. Paul didn’t dig into the details. Instead, he called them to unity “in the Lord.” The same call rings true for us today. Our value, and our unity, are rooted not in agreement over parenting methods, but in shared salvation.

Mommy Wars in the Church

Unfortunately, even the church isn’t immune to what’s often called the “Mommy Wars.” Quiet judgments and inner critiques thrive in places where grace should reign. One mom feels judged for working outside the home; another feels dismissed for choosing to stay home. One trusts in the virtue of discipline; another in permissive parenting. It’s an endless array of options and opinions.

But when we begin to tie our identity to our choices rather than to Christ, we step into dangerous territory. Paul reminds us in Ephesians 1:4 that our identity was sealed in love before the foundation of the world. You are not more righteous because your child sleeps through the night or practices the cello at dawn. Nor are you less because you needed screen time just to make it through the day.

Grace frees us from defining ourselves or others by anything other than the cross.

Jesus’s Standard of Measurement

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus offers a better way. “With the measure you use it will be measured to you” (Matthew 7:2). The measure He advocates is grace, generosity, and humility. Rather than ask, “How do I measure up?” we begin to ask, “How can I lift up others?”

This doesn’t mean we abandon wisdom or godly counsel. But it does mean we stop treating every parenting difference as a referendum on someone’s spiritual maturity or our own.

As we begin to measure with grace and gratitude, our hearts open to friendship. Older women learn to value the zeal and joy of younger moms. Younger moms learn to treasure the wisdom and calm of those who’ve walked further down the road. The generational walls that divide dissolve into face-to-face fellowship and side-by-side ministry.

A Better Way Forward

Imagine entering a room full of women and genuinely enjoying everyone. The chatty and the quiet. The planner and the spontaneous. The effortlessly stylish and the delightfully natural. This is not naïve optimism it’s what happens when women root their confidence in who God made them to be.

Jeremiah 1:5 reminds us that God formed each woman with intentionality. Your personality, gifts, challenges, and story are not a mistake. And they’re not for comparison they’re for kingdom purpose.

In a 2021 Barna study, 58% of Christian women reported feeling isolated and misunderstood, despite being active in church. That tells us that the need for grace-based, gospel-shaped community among women is more urgent than ever.

Older moms, it starts with us. We can unlearn the habits of competition and comparison and replace them with celebration and trust. We can model what it looks like to champion other women and to appreciate different callings without suspicion. And all of us whatever stage we’re in can remember that the only measurement that ultimately matters is this: Are we walking in faith, hope, and love?

Laboring Side by Side

The Apostle Paul’s plea wasn’t just for Euodia and Syntyche. It’s for us. “Labor side by side in the gospel” (Philippians 4:3). Stop competing. Start contending for one another, for the mission, for the next generation.

Lay down the measuring stick. Pick up the towel of service. And let’s be women who foster unity, contentment, and joy in the midst of motherhood not just for ourselves, but for our daughters watching closely behind us.

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