When Love Is Complicated Honoring Aging Parents with Wisdom

Caring for an aging parent is one of the most emotionally complex callings a Christian can face.

If your parents were faithful, loving, and sacrificial in raising you, the thought of returning that love in their old age can feel like a sacred privilege. But what if the story isn’t so simple? What if your parent was emotionally absent, controlling, or even abusive? And what if they now depend on you?

That’s the reality Jan is facing. She’s 41, married with children, and has cared for her mother in her home for years. But her mother, now aging and unable to help, has grown increasingly abusive. Jan’s marriage and kids are suffering, and she wonders: “Can I still honor my mother if I set boundaries or even ask her to leave?”

It’s a heavy question. And it’s one many Christians are quietly asking.

Honor Is Still the Call

The Bible is clear “Honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12). Jesus and Paul both reaffirm that this command still stands (Mark 7:10; Ephesians 6:2). But what does honor look like when a parent is demanding, ungrateful, or even harmful?

The answer is never simple. But Scripture offers guiding lights:

• Honor doesn’t mean enabling sin. Romans 12:17 says, “Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.” You can choose not to retaliate and still take action to protect your family.

• Honor doesn’t mean doing it alone. 1 Timothy 5 reminds us that caring for older family members is a shared responsibility across families, churches, and communities. “If a believing woman has relatives who are widows, let her care for them... so that the church may not be burdened” (v. 16).

• Honor does mean love wise, Christlike love. That love may take many forms: patient conversation, shared caregiving, financial help, even entrusting care to others when needed.

If your parent is emotionally abusive, honoring them might look like gently yet firmly setting boundaries, finding alternate care options, and keeping communication open without sacrificing your children’s well-being or your marriage’s health.

It Takes a Village

It’s tempting to think honoring means doing it all yourself. But even in Scripture, caring for aging family was a community project. The early church had systems to support widows. Families worked together. Friends, siblings, churches, and even neighborhoods carried the load.

It’s OK to admit: “I can’t do this alone.” That’s not failure. That’s humility. You were never meant to bear the full weight of caregiving in isolation. Love often means asking for help.

Start with these questions:

• Are there other family members who could help carry the load?

• Can your church step in with meals, rides, or respite care?

• Is it time to talk with a Christian counselor or elder about your options?

Love That Looks Like Christ

We are called to love as we’ve been loved by Jesus sacrificially, patiently, wisely. But that love is not always soft. Sometimes love is tough. Sometimes it protects others by saying “no.” Sometimes it lets go in order to preserve peace.

Remember: Jesus loved perfectly and not everyone wanted His love. He grieved over Jerusalem, called out abuse, and walked away from people who refused to hear.

You can honor your aging parent with compassion and wisdom, even if that means making painful decisions. And as you navigate that path, don’t forget that you are still loved still upheld by the One who promises, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5).

Let that promise steady you as you walk this hard road.

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