How to Encourage Others Without Falling into Flattery

In a world where praise is often misused, how do we balance sincere encouragement with the temptation to flatter? Flattery, as described in Scripture, is a dangerous form of hypocrisy. It arises when praise is given for selfish gain, without true delight in the person or action being celebrated. For instance, Proverbs 29:5 warns that flattery lays a trap, while Jude 16 condemns those who flatter for personal advantage.

The Greek word kolakeias (flattery) appears in 1 Thessalonians 2:5-6, where Paul emphasizes that his ministry was free from manipulative speech. His words came from a place of genuine love for God and others, not a desire to manipulate or gain favor. Similarly, the Hebrew root for flattery means "smooth" or "slippery" speech, like the seductive words of a deceitful person in Proverbs 5:3. Flattery, therefore, isn’t about truth or lies but about motivation—whether we’re praising others sincerely or for hidden agendas.

Flattery often disguises itself as genuine encouragement but is rooted in manipulation. True praise, on the other hand, is an authentic, spontaneous overflow of joy in the goodness we observe. As C.S. Lewis wisely stated, “We delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not only expresses but completes the enjoyment.” This pure form of praise stems from a place of admiration without seeking to gain something in return.

It’s important to distinguish between genuine praise and manipulation, especially with children. While we might be tempted to use compliments as a tool to influence behavior, kids can often sense when the praise is not authentic. This calculated approach can lead them to feel manipulated, which diminishes the value of the praise itself. Encouraging children, friends, or coworkers should stem from a sincere admiration for the good in them rooted in our joy in God’s grace at work in their lives.

One practical approach is to look for “evidences of grace” in others. This means calling attention to the work God is doing in their lives, such as sharing kindness or demonstrating patience. For example, when you see a child share their toys selflessly, instead of just saying, "Good job," you might say, "I love how God is helping you be kind to your friend." This shifts the focus from mere performance to celebrating God’s work in them.

Ultimately, flattery is destructive, but genuine encouragement builds up both the giver and the receiver. When our words flow from sincere joy in another’s virtue, they not only encourage the person but also glorify God. So, as we navigate relationships—whether with children, peers, or friends—let's aim for authenticity, avoiding calculated compliments and instead speaking life that points back to God's goodness.

When you see goodness in others, be quick to praise it authentically, without ulterior motives. In doing so, you’ll avoid the slippery slope of flattery and instead foster a culture of genuine encouragement.

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