Healing Through Forgiving My Dad

Parents are not perfect. Perhaps you had a loving parent who occasionally made mistakes, or maybe your parent was emotionally absent, leaving you to navigate the world alone. Worse yet, maybe your parent is present but constantly antagonizing, nitpicking, and fighting with you over every little issue.

This situation is all too familiar to many, like the 26-year-old who reached out to me years ago. She was constantly fighting with her dad, and it was causing a deep rift in their relationship.

“My dad and I get in a fight almost every time I go home,” she wrote. “I know I probably play some part in this, but it feels like he is intentionally picking out things in my life to criticize and then it just turns into a yelling match. It really upsets me and my mom. I try to make up with him after, but he never really apologizes. Since this keeps happening, I’m getting bitter toward him and finding it harder and harder to forgive him. How can I learn to forgive him and keep the relationship even if he won’t apologize?”

Sadly, her experience is not unique. Many people face similar challenges with their fathers. So, how do you deal with a dad who won’t apologize?

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer, but there are a few key things to keep in mind when figuring out how to move forward. Let’s break down the situation.

“It feels like he is intentionally picking out things in my life to criticize and then it just turns into a yelling match.”

This cycle of miscommunication is common. Here’s the scenario: You go home for dinner, and he says something that makes you feel negative sad, hurt, embarrassed, or offended. You reply with something that makes him feel negative. Now, the oven is pre-heated. Your reply makes him mad, and he lashes out. What started as a little quip explodes into a yelling match, and any hope of actual communication, progress, or civility is tossed out the window. You’re both burning hot and out to hurt.

The problem with this cycle is that nobody gets heard. Whatever his initial comment was is lost, and nothing changes. You leave, then come home again, and it all repeats. What’s sad is that both of you probably have something valid to share. His comments may hurt and be wrapped in unkindness, but he may have some wisdom. Unfortunately, it’s cloaked in anger.

“I try to make up with him after, but he never really apologizes.”

A dad’s anger is one thing, but to not apologize is indicative of a deeper problem. A person who doesn’t apologize doesn’t know grace and that’s terminal.

His inability to apologize means he either feels no remorse, feels remorse but can’t express it, or feels remorse and chooses not to express it. Either way, he is locked in a place that makes it impossible for him to love well. To apologize is to forgive, and to forgive is to realize you have been forgiven. He needs to understand that whatever he’s locked in, whatever he’s done, can be forgiven. Until he knows that, the cycle continues—despite your best efforts.

“Since this keeps happening, I’m getting bitter toward him and finding it harder and harder to forgive him. How can I learn to forgive him and keep the relationship even if he won’t apologize?”

Of course, you’re getting bitter. A dad a protector, and the earliest image of God that a child can conjure isn’t supposed to yell and hurt and show no remorse. That’s a form of abuse. No relational progress can happen when the perpetrator refuses to change. You have a difficult choice ahead of you.

Do you try and break the cycle of miscommunication? You can. If he says something hurtful when you go home, you can turn the other cheek and not reply. This might stop the bleeding and prevent the fighting, but it strips you of a voice, ending the abuse but also ending any hope for a real relationship.

But what else can you do?

You can’t change him he has to decide to go down the road of healing, and you can’t make him better. Listen to this: you can’t make your dad better. All you can do is pray for him and hope to God that somehow he’s brought to his knees by his inner turmoil.

Until that time, you must be the person God has designed you to be. This means removing yourself from the cycle by going home less (if at all) and using the space away to mourn the loss of the dad you should have had.

We don’t all get the best dads, but we have a loving and gracious Father who cares, protects, and intervenes on our behalf. Allow Him to do that and take care of yourself.

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