Here’s What Actually Keeps a Marriage Going Strong

You never expect to question your entire relationship over something as trivial as how the dishwasher is loaded, yet there you stand wondering how a pile of dishes turned into a moment that feels personal, heavy, and unsettling. You might even catch yourself thinking, Is this really what marriage is supposed to feel like?

Before you said "I do," people likely filled your ears with tales of the honeymoon phase, how thrilling it is to have a partner in life, someone who completes you. What they often left out were the slow-burning adjustments, the unraveling of unspoken expectations, and the subtle negotiations of everyday life that chip away at the illusion of effortless love.

At the core of every enduring marriage isn’t some secret compatibility formula or fairy-tale perfection. It's something much deeper, something far more intentional. As Debra Fileta, a licensed counselor and author of Choosing Marriage, observes: “People assume marriage will complete them, that finding the right person will somehow make them whole. But marriage isn’t a cure for loneliness, low self-esteem, or personal baggage. Those things don’t disappear once you say ‘I do.’ If anything, marriage shines a spotlight on them.”

This reality may sound daunting, but it’s also freeing. It shifts the focus away from whether you’ve found the “right” person to whether you’re becoming the right person.

Statistically, about 40% to 50% of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce, a sobering figure that underlines just how common it is for couples to hit walls they never saw coming. And yet, research consistently shows that couples who invest in personal growth and mutual communication stand a much better chance of long-term success. For instance, a study from the National Marriage Project highlights how regular, intentional communication increases marital satisfaction by nearly 60%.

Marriage doesn’t erase your insecurities, your quirks, or the emotional scars you carry from your past. Instead, it magnifies them. Those unspoken assumptions believing your spouse should intuitively know what you need, thinking conflict means something is broken, or assuming your love story should naturally unfold without friction create cracks that widen over time.

But here’s where Scripture offers timeless wisdom. Before God commands us to love others, He tells us to love Him with all our heart, soul, and mind (Matthew 22:37). This foundation is critical. Without first being transformed by God’s love, how can we love others with grace, patience, and selflessness? As Fileta wisely puts it: “Marriage doesn’t fix your problems. It exposes them.”

It starts with personal accountability. It’s choosing to engage in the hard conversations instead of avoiding them. It’s letting go of the myth that love should be effortless. It’s learning to communicate clearly rather than making assumptions. It’s offering grace when you’d rather withhold it, practicing patience when you’re itching to be right, and making space for connection even when the demands of life tempt you to disconnect.

The couples who endure aren’t the ones who avoid conflict or glide through life without trials. They’re the ones who dig in, who fight for each other instead of against each other, who keep showing up even when it's easier to walk away.

If you’re wondering how to make your marriage last, stop scrutinizing whether you chose the right partner. Instead, reflect on whether you are becoming someone capable of sustaining love. Are you owning your baggage, allowing God to refine you, extending love when it feels most inconvenient?

Because the truth is, marriage isn’t built on magical chemistry or flawless compatibility. It’s built on choice. The deliberate, sometimes difficult, always worthwhile choice to love, forgive, and grow every single day.

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