The Tension Between Forgiveness and Repentance

One of the hardest questions for Christians to wrestle with is this. Should I forgive someone who hasn’t repented?

It feels noble to say yes. It sounds merciful, freeing, even godlike. We’ve heard that holding onto unforgiveness can poison the soul, and we long to imitate the love of Christ. But what if our understanding of forgiveness especially forgiveness without repentance is not as biblical as we think?

The issue isn’t just emotional. It’s theological. Does God forgive unrepentant sinners? If He doesn’t, should we?

The Forgiveness That Follows Repentance

Throughout Scripture, God’s forgiveness is stunningly generous but never indiscriminate. He calls all to repentance (Acts 17:30), but He forgives only those who come (1 John 1:9). The pattern is clear in both Old and New Testaments: repentance precedes forgiveness.

“Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts… and he will abundantly pardon” (Isaiah 55:7).

Jesus preached “repent and believe” (Mark 1:15). Peter echoed it: “Repent… for the forgiveness of your sins” (Acts 2:38). Nowhere in Scripture does God offer relational forgiveness to those who persist in rebellion.

So why do we so quickly apply a different standard to ourselves?

Misunderstood Mercy

Many well-meaning Christians confuse boundless love with boundless forgiveness. But there’s a difference.

Love is commanded unconditionally. Forgiveness, biblically defined, is not. You can and must love your enemies (Matthew 5:44), pray for those who wrong you, and release the desire for revenge. But you are not required to pretend nothing happened or offer relational restoration apart from repentance.

As counselor Debra Fileta says, “You’re not responsible for someone else’s choices. You are responsible for your response.”

Forgiveness, when rightly understood, is not sweeping sin under the rug. It is a spiritual transaction rooted in truth, justice, and reconciliation and all three require repentance.

The Two Sides of Forgiveness

Some theologians distinguish between the vertical and horizontal dimensions of forgiveness.

• Vertical forgiveness is between you and God. It involves releasing bitterness, trusting God with justice, and refusing to seek revenge.

• Horizontal forgiveness is between you and the offender. It involves genuine reconciliation and that can only happen when the offender acknowledges their sin and seeks restoration.

Without repentance, there can be no real reconciliation. There can still be love. There can still be kindness. But there cannot be restored trust or fellowship.

As Dietrich Bonhoeffer once said, “Nothing can be more cruel than the tenderness that consigns another to his sin.”

Jesus and Conditional Forgiveness

Some point to Jesus’s words on the cross “Father, forgive them” (Luke 23:34) as evidence of unconditional forgiveness. But this was a prayer, not a pronouncement. It was a plea for future mercy, not present reconciliation. And in Acts 2, we see that some of those same people later did repent and were forgiven.

Elsewhere, Jesus is explicit: “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him” (Luke 17:3). The forgiveness He commands is not void of conditions. It’s full of hope—hope for repentance, hope for healing, hope for restoration.

What Forgiveness Without Repentance Isn’t

To be clear, withholding forgiveness from the unrepentant is not:

• Bitterness. You can reject reconciliation while still rooting your heart in grace.

• Punishment. You are not exacting revenge you are inviting repentance.

• Unlove. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is to tell the truth about the damage done.

Imagine a believer named Mark whose friend John slanders him. Mark, deeply hurt, prays for grace. He doesn’t gossip or retaliate. When John remains unrepentant, Mark doesn't rush to forgive and forget. Instead, he waits in love, hoping for reconciliation.

A week later, John apologizes. Mark joyfully forgives, and their friendship begins to heal. That’s not vindictiveness that’s truthful grace, patterned after God's own heart.

Why This Matters

The gospel is not an announcement that sin doesn't matter it’s the proclamation that it matters so much Christ had to die for it. God does not offer cheap grace. He offers costly forgiveness secured by blood and granted upon repentance.

We are to do the same. To forgive like God forgives is to:

• Invite repentance with love.

• Offer forgiveness with joy.

• Leave vengeance to God (Romans 12:19).

• Long for restoration but never enable sin.

The Joy of Forgiving the Repentant

When repentance comes, the Bible paints a breathtaking picture: the shepherd who finds his lost sheep, the father who runs to embrace the prodigal son, the master who cancels a massive debt (Luke 15; Matthew 18).

This is the kind of forgiveness we are called to imitate not soft on sin, but overflowing with mercy. Forgiveness, when it follows repentance, is a mirror of God’s heart.

And what a joy it is to reflect that.

Forgiveness isn’t easy. It never has been. But when done God’s way rooted in truth, extended with love, and dependent on repentance it becomes a gospel act. A picture of how heaven welcomes the broken. A testimony to a Savior who died not to excuse sin, but to cleanse us from it.

May we, by His grace, learn to withhold forgiveness in love, grant it in joy, and in both reflect the heart of God.

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