She May Not Exist the Way You Imagine

In Christian circles, singleness can sometimes feel like a waiting game not so much for the right time, but for the perfect person. Many men and women, whether they admit it or not, are holding out for a spouse who meets a personal wish list so exhaustive, it would make Mount Everest look scalable.

Consider the single man who walks away from a blind date with the biting comment, “So this is what you think of me?” The implication is that the woman though “nice” wasn’t worthy of him. It’s not that she wasn’t godly, kind, or committed. She just didn’t meet his type. Behind his words lies a deeper assumption: a spouse should be a reward proportionate to his own sense of self-worth.

Others, intoxicated by options and driven by pride, perpetually delay commitment. They scroll through potential mates like browsing Netflix, always passing because “the next one might be better.” They’re not disinterested in marriage just disinterested in anyone who doesn’t perfectly align with their vision of the ideal. In truth, they wait for a unicorn with a Bible.

The Myth of the Ideal

Some Christians remain single not because of a lack of available partners, but because of an unrealistic idea of what a spouse should be. It's not that they’re too discerning it’s that they’ve built a fantasy. They reject godly, mature, kind believers in pursuit of someone who checks every box: spiritually devout, physically stunning, socially magnetic, emotionally intelligent, and endlessly compatible.

It’s a mindset that treats potential spouses not as people to cherish but as prizes to win as trophies that reflect their own value.

Imagine if Adam had responded to Eve with a shrug and a sigh: “She’s fine, but not quite my type.” Genesis 2:23 would read a lot differently. God’s design is not for a man to evaluate every woman against an invisible scoreboard of desirability, but to receive her with joy and thanksgiving as God’s good and gracious gift.

The Real Cost of the Ice Cream Shop Mentality

Living with endless options sounds appealing until it isn’t. It breeds a fear of commitment and a constant suspicion that something better might be just around the corner. In a culture overwhelmed by choice, many become paralyzed. They want the perfect “flavor” of spouse, and fear they'll regret not waiting for it.

But real life isn’t a dessert parlor. Marriage demands choosing one and in choosing one, forsaking all others. That’s the design. That’s the beauty. And that’s where love thrives.

Scripture says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22). Not the perfect wife. Not the Instagram-worthy wife. But a wife. One good woman who fears the Lord and that, in God’s eyes, is more praiseworthy than charm or beauty (Proverbs 31:30).

The Hidden Role of Pride

We must admit: much of our pickiness is not prudence, but pride. It's not always a desire for godliness that drives our preferences, but a subtle (or not-so-subtle) belief that we deserve something rare and remarkable. We take ourselves too seriously. We view others through a lens tinted by our own inflated sense of importance.

Shakespeare’s Benedick said, “Till all graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in my grace.” That was me, too. And perhaps it’s you. But in exalting our expectations, we end up rejecting the real joys of covenant love and the very good people right in front of us.

Are Standards Wrong?

Not at all. It is good to have standards. Common values, physical attraction, shared life goals these matter. But they must be held with wisdom and humility. We should remember that our ultimate standard for a spouse is supernatural rebirth. Has God made this person alive in Christ? Has the Spirit done what only He can do?

This miracle not beauty or charisma is the true measure of suitability. God isn’t calling us to settle, but to see with different eyes. To value the imperishable over the perishable (1 Peter 3:4). To marry with eternity in view.

Marriage Is a Miracle, Not a Fantasy

Christian, if God gives you a believing spouse someone to raise children with, to enjoy life with, to grow in Christ with you are blessed beyond measure. You’ve not settled; you’ve soared. That spouse, one day, will be more glorious than you can imagine, a “creature which, if you saw now, you would be tempted to worship” (Lewis, The Weight of Glory).

For those delaying marriage in search of perfection, remember: heaven is not found in a spouse. Earthly marriage, no matter how joyful, is not ultimate. It is a signpost. A shadow. A picture of the far greater union to come between Christ and His Church.

So seek marriage wisely, but don’t idolize it. Hold out for godliness, not perfection. Accept that your “type” might be more fiction than faith. And rejoice when God gives you a real, redeemed, imperfect person to love, and be loved by, as you journey together toward forever.

share this with someone who may need perspective or subscribe to our newsletter for more.