It Is Not the Gift but the Thought That Counts

Most of us have probably used or heard the phrase “It’s the thought that counts” in times of relational misfire when a gift or gesture intended to bless ends up backfiring. It’s often offered as a gracious out, a way to cushion the blow of an honest mistake. But if we pause to think more deeply, we might discover something ironic: this popular maxim can easily become a cover for thoughtlessness rather than thoughtful love.

The phrase was originally penned by Henry Van Dyke Jr., who said, “It is not the gift, but the thought that counts.” That may ring true when we try sincerely and miss the mark. But when it becomes an excuse for repeatedly missing the person we're supposed to know best, we miss the heart of Christ-centered love.

When a Hairbrush Doesn’t Count

Imagine giving a hairbrush to a bald man. Or gifting a cozy Duke Blue Devils blanket to a lifelong UNC Tar Heels fan. In both cases, the “thought” is less thoughtful and more careless. In relationships, especially in marriage, these kinds of misfires are more than just humorous. They reveal a disconnect one that, if not addressed, can sow frustration, resentment, and distance.

Scripture urges a different path. In 1 Peter 3:7, husbands are commanded to “live with your wives in an understanding way.” The word “understanding” here literally means “according to knowledge.” It's not enough to have good intentions. Our love must be informed rooted in the personal knowledge of who our spouse truly is.

This kind of pursuit goes beyond generic gestures. It calls for daily study, humble observation, and consistent effort. It’s about finding out what makes your spouse feel seen, heard, and cherished and then acting on it.

Don’t Love More, Love Better

In Philippians 1:9, the apostle Paul prays for a love that abounds “with knowledge and all discernment.” It’s a prayer not just for more love, but for better love. A wiser love. A love that discerns the specific heart and soul of the one we’re called to serve most intimately.

This truth should relieve pressure, not add to it. Many spouses today feel crushed by the idea that they’re not loving or doing enough. But biblical love isn’t about increasing the volume of effort it’s about refining its quality. We are called not merely to love more, but to love more meaningfully.

Learning to Love Your Unique Spouse

Each spouse is uniquely designed by God. That means the way one person feels loved may be completely different from another. Over time, our preferences and desires can shift too especially across different life stages.

For example, a surprise late-night movie might have thrilled your spouse early in marriage. Twenty years and five children later, that same gesture may feel exhausting. What once landed as fun now lands as burdensome. True love pays attention to these changes.

A recent national survey showed that 67% of married couples say communication is the most important factor in their relationship. Yet many still struggle to communicate in ways that actually connect. Why? Because we often project our preferences instead of perceiving theirs.

Loving someone well requires us to stay curious. To keep studying. To recognize that the person we married is growing and changing and so must our pursuit of them.

Jesus Modeled Thoughtful Pursuit

Nowhere is this better illustrated than in how Jesus interacts with Mary and Martha after the death of their brother Lazarus (John 11). Both sisters approach Him with the same words: “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” Yet Jesus responds to each differently.

To Martha, He gives truth pointing her to the hope of resurrection. To Mary, He gives tears joining her in grief. Jesus doesn’t offer a one-size-fits-all comfort. He meets each sister in the way they uniquely need it. That’s not random compassion; that’s informed, thoughtful love.

This should be our model in marriage. We aren’t called to guess or generalize we’re called to love personally and specifically.

From Criticism to Celebration

Early in marriage, many couples fall into the trap of criticizing each other’s differences. One may value words of affirmation; the other values acts of service. Without understanding, those differences become sources of division. But with time and intentionality, they can become reasons for celebration.

Learning what delights your spouse and choosing to act on it even in small ways builds trust and deepens connection. Maybe it’s writing a note and sticking it to the bathroom mirror. Or maybe it’s actually cleaning the mirror. The specifics vary. What matters is that the act is shaped by love and informed by knowledge.

Love That Never Grows Old

One of the most beautiful benefits of loving in an understanding way is that your marriage won’t stagnate it will deepen. With every season, new insights emerge. You begin to love not just out of habit, but with the joyful awareness that you are loving a person God is continually shaping.

This means your relationship can become more fulfilling, not less, over time. As your understanding grows, your love can become richer, wiser, and more intentional.

But don’t expect instant results. Deep understanding takes time. Mistakes will happen. Misfires are inevitable. But when both spouses remain committed to learning and loving in light of that learning, those misfires become fewer, and the connection grows stronger.

Thoughts That Truly Count

The world may say “it’s the thought that counts,” but God’s Word calls us to let our thoughts really count by being shaped through active listening, faithful presence, and sacrificial love.

Your spouse is a masterpiece, not a mystery. God made them with specific desires, sensitivities, and dreams. Loving them well means seeking to understand and then pursuing them in ways that reflect that understanding.

In doing so, you model not only the love of Christ for the church but also the heart of Christ for each individual soul.

If this helped you see your marriage in a new light, share it with a friend or subscribe to our newsletter for more gospel-centered encouragements.