Why Setting Boundaries Is Often Misunderstood

In our culture and especially in Christian circles boundaries are often misunderstood. Many of us picture them as rigid rules for keeping toxic people out or lines drawn to fix someone else’s bad behavior. But what if that’s not the point at all?

According to licensed counselor and author Debra Fileta, boundaries aren’t about other people.

They’re about you.

And that simple truth, she says, could radically change your emotional and relational health.

Boundaries Are Not Control

For over a decade, Fileta has worked with individuals and couples struggling with everything from anxiety and burnout to relational breakdowns. One of the most common mistakes she sees especially among Christians is confusing boundaries with ultimatums.

“That’s not a boundary,” she says. “That’s control.”

In other words, a boundary doesn’t say, “You can’t do that.” A boundary says, “If you do that, here’s what I’m going to do.”

When someone repeatedly crosses a line, the goal of a boundary is not to punish them into better behavior. It’s to clarify how you will respond. You may choose not to engage. You may turn off your phone. You may step back from the relationship for a time. But you’re not manipulating their actions you’re stewarding your own.

Owning Your Emotions

This shift from control to self-responsibility is uncomfortable, but it’s also empowering.

“You can’t force people into what you want them to do or not do,” Fileta says. “The only thing you can control is yourself.”

That doesn’t mean you stay silent about your needs. In a healthy relationship, communication still matters. But there’s a big difference between demanding change and expressing your experience.

Rather than saying, “You’re not meeting my needs,” you might say, “I’ve been feeling disconnected and would love to spend more time together.”

This isn’t about softening your message. It’s about removing blame and grounding the conversation in truth. It’s about using “I” statements, not “you” accusations. Fileta believes this small shift can transform relationships from defensive reactions to genuine understanding.

Expect Pushback

Here’s what many people don’t expect when they start setting boundaries resistance.

Maybe someone stops calling. Maybe they accuse you of being selfish. Maybe you question whether you were too harsh.

That discomfort is normal and it’s not a sign you did something wrong.

“If you’re setting boundaries for the first time, you should expect resistance,” Fileta says. “We gauge the effectiveness of a boundary by the person’s response, but if the relationship is unhealthy, their reaction probably isn’t going to be healthy either.”

Sometimes pushback means your boundary is working. And standing firm might be the most loving thing you can do.

Christians and the Fear of Conflict

If you grew up in church, you may have been taught to avoid conflict at all costs. Kindness, patience, and forgiveness are beautiful fruits of the Spirit but they don’t mean ignoring your own limits.

Saying no isn’t sin. Disappointing someone isn’t failure.

In fact, Jesus Himself disappointed people. He withdrew from crowds. He said no to demands. He lived with intention and without apology.

“Jesus had boundaries,” Fileta says. “And He didn’t meet every need or chase every person.”

Following Jesus doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. It means living in obedience, with clarity, compassion, and courage.

Emotions Are Indicators

Another major misconception among Christians is that feelings can’t be trusted. Fileta agrees emotions aren’t always accurate but they are always revealing.

“There’s this idea that ‘feelings aren’t faith,’ so people learn to ignore their emotions altogether,” she says. “But feelings are signals. They’re a warning light on the dashboard.”

Frustration, resentment, anxiety these aren’t just mood swings. They often point to areas in your life where a boundary was needed but never set.

If you’re constantly overwhelmed, ask yourself: Where have I said yes when I meant no? Where am I carrying something God didn’t ask me to carry?

You wouldn’t ignore the check engine light in your car. Don’t ignore it in your soul.

Boundaries Clarify What You Value

Boundaries, when rightly understood, don’t push people away. They create clarity.

They help you recognize what gets your energy, your attention, your availability and what doesn’t.

They’re not about isolation. They’re about alignment.

What sustains you? What drains you? What honors your values, your purpose, and your God-given calling?

Boundaries answer those questions, not by shutting people out, but by helping you show up fully present for what matters most.

Peace Is Worth Protecting

At their core, boundaries are not about walls. They’re about wisdom. They’re not weapons they’re tools. They help you protect the peace Jesus offers, not just for yourself but for your relationships.

As Philippians 4:7 promises, “The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

That peace is worth protecting. And sometimes, that protection comes in the form of lovingly but clearly saying, “This is what I need. This is what I will or won’t allow. This is how I will respond.”

Not with guilt. Not with shame. But with grace and courage.

So if someone doesn’t like your boundary, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It may simply mean you’re finally doing the hard, holy work of honoring what God has entrusted to you—your time, your heart, your purpose.

Jesus had boundaries. And He didn’t apologize for them.

Neither should you.

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