When She Refuses to Follow

When I got married four decades ago, I asked to have the words “and to obey” removed from my wedding vows. As a female executive and partner in a successful advertising agency, the idea of submitting to my husband felt outdated at best, offensive at worst. I loved God, but I also loved independence. The church I attended affirmed this mindset, placing women in all levels of leadership, and I didn’t question it.

But something shifted. Not overnight, and not without wrestling but it changed. And today, I not only accept but celebrate the biblical vision of submission in marriage. God’s design for husbands and wives is not a relic of a bygone era it’s a blueprint for lasting joy.

If you’re a husband whose wife doesn’t yet see the beauty in God’s calling for men to lead and women to support that leadership, I want to speak to you. Because I was once that woman. And God used my husband not with force, not with ultimatums, but with Christlike faithfulness to help open my eyes to a better way.

A Revelation That Changed Everything

The turning point came when our church appointed me as the lay leader over my husband. He had been nominated first, but when objections were raised, they chose me instead. We both knew something was off, even if we couldn’t quite articulate it yet. That moment sowed a quiet discomfort in our marriage, exposing a misalignment we hadn’t recognized before.

Eventually, we left that egalitarian church and joined a new congregation committed to preaching through the Bible all of it, verse by verse. There, we encountered godly male leadership that was strong, gentle, and anchored in Scripture. These men weren’t power-hungry or domineering they were servants. Their authority felt safe. Their humility was magnetic.

Under their leadership, something softened in me. I stopped seeing submission as oppression and began seeing it as freedom the freedom to be who God made me to be. Our home changed. Our marriage deepened. And 26 years later, we’re still walking in the joy of that transformation.

So what made the difference? Here are five things I saw God doing in my husband that helped me move from resistance to rejoicing.

1. He Walked Closer With Jesus

Long before I changed, my husband did. Not by trying to control me but by pursuing Christ more intentionally. He became a man of the Word. He deepened his friendships with other godly men. He started confessing sin with honesty and humility, even during our shared prayer times.

That kind of spiritual hunger is contagious. I saw it, and it stirred something in me. His transformation wasn’t loud or flashy, but it was real. He didn’t just quote Scripture he embodied it.

2. He Became More Like Christ

Rather than fixating on what I needed to change, he focused on becoming a man worthy of respect. He lived out Ephesians 4:1–2, walking “with all humility and gentleness, with patience.” He modeled 1 Corinthians 13, loving with kindness, patience, and forgiveness.

He didn’t demand submission he earned my trust through consistency and care. And his example began to draw me toward the God he served so faithfully.

3. He Embraced His Role as a Husband

When we studied Ephesians 5:22–33 together, it wasn’t the verses on wives that changed me it was the ones about husbands. My husband was deeply convicted by his call to love me sacrificially, to lead spiritually, and to wash me in the Word.

Since then, he’s faithfully read Scripture with me nearly every morning. He encourages me when I’m discouraged. He brings gospel truth to our conversations. He became the spiritual leader I didn’t know I needed.

4. He Practiced Patience

We were part of that egalitarian church for 18 years. Change didn’t come quickly. But my husband didn’t nag or manipulate. He waited on God. He bore with me in love. And slowly, I began to see what he saw that biblical manhood and womanhood aren’t restrictive. They’re redemptive.

If your wife hasn’t yet embraced God’s design, don’t give up. Proverbs 25:15 says, “With patience a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue will break a bone.” What God did in me, He can do in her.

5. He Prayed for Me Daily

Nearly every morning, my husband prayed with me and for me. He thanked God for our marriage. He prayed for my spiritual growth. He asked God to bless me, protect me, and give me joy. And behind closed doors, I know he prayed for God to align my heart with His truth.

Prayer changes hearts especially when it’s rooted in love, not frustration. If you’re a husband waiting for your wife to follow, start by going to your knees.

The Beauty of Biblical Marriage

When husbands love like Christ and wives follow like the Church, marriage becomes a picture of the Gospel. That’s not just theory it’s reality. I’ve lived both sides, and I can say with confidence: God’s design works.

Submission isn’t about inferiority. Leadership isn’t about dominance. It’s about unity, humility, and trust in the One who made us male and female on purpose. And when we walk in His ways, we find a joy deeper than anything culture can offer.

So, to the husband whose wife doesn’t yet follow stay faithful. Stay gentle. Stay grounded in Scripture. You may not see change overnight, but don’t underestimate the quiet power of your example. God is at work, even when you don’t see it.

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