When You Change but They Don’t

At some point in your life, you’re going to outgrow a friendship. Or a friendship will outgrow you. It’s not something we plan. It’s something that happens sometimes slowly, other times all at once.

Maybe you've felt it already a strange silence where there used to be laughter, awkward distance where there used to be depth. A friend who once shared your heart now seems uninterested in the direction your life is taking. You ask what changed. They avoid the question. You reach out. They pull away.

These moments hurt. But they also reveal something important about life, about growth, and about how to love others well even when paths diverge.

We Were Made to Grow

You are not supposed to stay the same.

From the moment we’re born, life shapes us. Experiences mature us. Pain deepens us. Faith refines us. Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard captured it well: “Now with God’s help, I shall become myself.” Becoming yourself the truest, God-shaped version of who you’re meant to be will inevitably change your relationships.

Sometimes you’ll grow in a way your friends don’t. Other times, they’ll grow in ways that leave you feeling out of step. That’s not always a sign of failure it’s a sign of being human.

Difference Doesn’t Have to Mean Division

Real friendship isn’t sameness. It’s choosing love in the presence of difference.

Think about your favorite people: Are they exactly like you? Probably not. Some of them may be older, introverted, messier, more spontaneous, more structured. You don’t have to agree on everything or share the same path to remain in each other’s lives. But you do have to be willing to make space for growth.

That kind of friendship is rare, because it requires humility and intentionality. It means adjusting to each other’s new seasons. It means listening more than explaining. It means being okay with “I don’t understand you right now” without turning it into “I can’t be with you anymore.”

But Some People Won’t Come With You

Sometimes, your change will be too much for someone else. Maybe they liked the version of you that was easier, quieter, more agreeable, or less committed to your goals or faith. Maybe your growth threatens their comfort. Maybe they’re not in a place to understand it and maybe they never will be.

In those moments, you have a choice. You can shrink back to fit their expectations, or you can continue becoming who God is shaping you to be.

Darius Foroux once wrote, “Some people never change. They get comfortable, and they stop learning... Just because people don’t like to move forward, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t too.”

Loyalty matters. But blind loyalty the kind that keeps you stuck in places God is calling you out of is not faithfulness. It’s fear. And fear should never be the driving force of any friendship.

How to Grow With Grace

So what do you do when the people around you aren’t changing like you are?

You walk with grace. You keep loving them. You keep showing up even if they don’t always understand you anymore. You refuse to shame them for standing still, even as you keep moving.

You don’t have to cut people off. But you may need to redefine what closeness looks like. Some friends may not remain at the center of your life. That’s okay. They can still hold a place in your heart, even if they no longer walk beside you daily.

Growth Doesn’t Make You Better It Makes You Different

Be careful not to see your own growth as superiority. Change doesn’t always mean improvement in every way. It simply means you’re becoming more of who God is calling you to be. It’s not about being above your friends. It’s about being obedient to your own calling.

Romans 12:10 says, “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” That kind of love holds space for others even when they stay where you can’t. It’s a love that says, “I’m changing, but I still care for you.” It’s a love that doesn’t cancel, but also doesn’t cling.

The Gift of Radical Acceptance

At the end of the day, your job isn’t to convince others to join your journey. It’s simply to be honest about where you are and to love others no matter where they stand.

That kind of posture is what author and therapist Carl Rogers called “unconditional positive regard” what we might call, in Christian terms, radical acceptance. It’s what Jesus demonstrated time and again: the ability to love others without compromising who He was or what He was called to do.

Your journey will change you. Some friends will stay. Some won’t. Your job is to love either way and to keep becoming the person God created you to be.

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